So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
