Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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