I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
