its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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