Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
you had me at cake vodka
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
