I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
