if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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