Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
