I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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