I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
