i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
