It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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