Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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