He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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