Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Randomize
