my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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