just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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