she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
