Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
