i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
