Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
