I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
