Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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