I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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