Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
