I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
