I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
