Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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