If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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