i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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