He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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