it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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