I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
