Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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