Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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