Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
