So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
