There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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