Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
