How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
