Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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