What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
