i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
