The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
