fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
