I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
