Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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