I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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