also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
