The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
