Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
